Cards Cut

Having written a number of humorous and political ezine articles to kind of get my feet wet in this new frontier, I decided to see what other subjects are most often viewed. I’m inquisitive that way; besides, it might give me a hint as to what to write about if I want to inflate “my articles report” numbers in a shallow hope to pump up my deflated ego. So I did a search in Ezine for “most viewed”. Aha! A list called “The Top 30 Most Viewed Articles” came flying back before I could say, “The Iraq War”my obvious choice for top subject followed closely by “abortion”, “same sex marriage”, and “Angelina and Brad”.

All I can say is boy was I ever wrong.

If you want your articles to be read by the tens of thousands, in fact hundreds of thousands, you better know something about hair. Now if you are like me, you probably know little more about hair other than it grows if watered; not exactly enough to be an expert. But if you want to learn about hair so you can write about it with authority, skip the stuff on the top of your head, you want to jam all you can muster into that noggin of yours about the hair south of the border. That’s right! You want to educate yourself on female pubic hair, especially about those wily ingrown wascals.

Here’s why!

Fifteen out of top thirty articles are about hair: prom hair, men’s hair, Japanese hair, hair extensions, hot styles, long styles, blah-blah-blah. And out of the blah-blah-blah, six are specifically about female private hair maintenance and all its dastardly consequences. In other words, 20% of the thirty top viewed Ezine articles are about the science of removing female foliage. To make matters more interesting, all six articles are written by one author, I’m assuming a guy (first name Mike), who apparently woke up on August 4th, 2004 and had an epiphany about women’s pubic hair, submitting his half dozen articles on its removal and every possible resulting issue: waxing, shaving, razor burn, prevention tips, popping tips, you name it.

I want to say right now, God I had no idea!

Now, there are fifteen other articles that show no particular pattern of subject matter but nevertheless give me some hope. Skipping the obvious self-serving commercials for products to buy, the rest are pretty mainstream; you know, more like what one would expect: how to build a chopper, flipping houses, history of tattoos, history of body piercing, nude photography, how to make semen taste better, the usual stuff. I’m thinking one of those subjects is kind of exciting and might have potential for related research. My personal favorite though, which currently holds 20th place, reveals little known secrets to being invited as a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show, something I long for.

But I can’t get this pubic thing out of my head; this apparent self-inflicted scourge sweeping our female population. And I thought the Bird Flu was nasty! Can’t you just trim down there with some scissors for CHRISSAKE and call it a day? Why oh why are you torturing yourselves so? Is it all that thong pressure from us lame-ass guys that’s pushing women to such masochistic measures? If it is, I for one say enough is enough! Holy mackerels, I apologize already!

Oh well, I’m left sitting here, my heart palpitating, pondering if maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree with this notion to be a popular writerif it means writing about ingrown pubic hair problems that is. And barring any sudden shift back to those god awful bathing suits from the Twenties or unseemly panty lines, it is unlikely this epidemic will end anytime soon, leaving this writing stuff to males and hair salon types who continue to have a prurient vested interest in all this.

Hmm … maybe I’m better off inventing better tweezers because apparently a great tweezer in the hand is worth more than two lousy ones in the bush, so to speak.

This article was written by humorist Robert Crane. If you found it thought provoking or just plain idiotic, visit his popular website at http://www.cranelegs.com for a lot more!

As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of wealthiest.

The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population has now become so acute that the majority of Americans are all set to declare bankruptcy.

Appropriately concerned, since we remember the Aristotelian analysis that the stability of a state depends on a the middle class - in case ancient sage’s segmentation has dropped out of the back of your mental file cabinet, he avers, it turns out a bit too generally, that the poor have no material stake in the society and the wealthy are too taken up with whooping it up - we ask, why is it ever more possible for the few to accumulate billions, while the many grow more insolvent?

There is, of course, the much reverenced idea that the race is to the quick and we’re lucky to have the energetic entrepreneurs, CEO’s, and various early adapters and assorted scammers, because, in the process of accumulating their wealth, they do throw off some shekels for the needy multitude.

Yet one does still persistently wonder about the current upward drift of pay dirt.

As a result of our cursory demographic analysis of the distribution of assets and debt, we arrive at the conclusion that the tax code is evidently flawed.

If every billionaire who’s gleefully accumulating his or her way to the status of multibillionaire was also required, while clenching legally onto some few billions as a just reward for expertise of one sort or another, to pay billions in taxes, the government would be well-enough provided for without taking a pair of Draco’s shears to the transparently taxable paycheck of the average Joe or Jan.

Further evidence of that the tax code is not proportionate to the ability to earn is, while someone who earns billions makes headlines, if even anybody ever paid billions in taxes, he or she would make history.

In conclusion, it’s time to set up the tax laws so the quick who earn their billions will pay proportionate billions and the beleaguered average wage earners can step back from the brink of bankruptcy.

The revision requires little change in lifestyle at the high end and presents rejuvenating rewards to the middling low end.

After all, what is the difference between the life a person can have with a mere billion or so to fling around or keep under the floorboards compared with the one he or she can have with many more billions? On the other hand, there is quite a sumptuous difference between how one can live when he or she is making the usual $40,000 to $50,000 a year while their much revered but feared Uncle Sam is standing by with his big hand at the ready for a scoop of what is, in today’s calculation of monetary splendor, hardly more than necessitous chump change.

Tom Attea, creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”